I saw something today that really made my heart jump and then warm. I was driving, yet again on the motorway, when the cars in front of me began braking and swerving very quickly. Something was on the road ahead but I was surprised when I discovered what it was.

There in the middle of the motorway was a poor mother duck with five of her little babies trying to make it to the across. The poor little feckers! They must have already come from the other side so our side was the home stretch. I usually give out about the drivers on the motorway but today I was impressed, everyone slowed down or moved to miss the ducks. I do think I saw one or two ducklings squashed but considering the job that was undertaken I feel that they did great. We all drove slowly away, checking our rare view mirrors and breathing a sigh of relief when we saw that the journey was completed and most participants were alive and well. It amazed me to see that people actually cared about this little duck’s quest. And with all the speeding and anger on the motorway it was a breath of fresh air to see people realising, even if it was only for one minute, that we are not the only life on this planet.

Praise the Lord, the phone line is back. I never realised I used the internet so much until it was gone!

Contact with the outside world can resume again, phew!

I was driving on the motorway yesterday, when I saw something I’d never seen before.

It made me realise that times are changing. The days of letting your child go to the loo on the side of the road are well and truly dead.

It makes me laugh though, I remember being brought on long journeys as a child. I was always warned a hundred times before we set off ‘Go to the toilet’, ‘Have you gone to the toilet?’, ‘Go again just to be sure’. But it never mattered how many times I went, after twenty minutes in the car, I needed to go again.

This lead to the inevitable piss-stop on the side of the road, which consisted of the car door blocking one side of my arse and my mother blocking the other side. I have to admit I never felt any shame, it broke up a long trip anyway!

But yesterday, when I saw a man and a woman emptying a potty on the side of the M7, it just got me thinking. I know parents don’t want their child’s butt put on show, but the last thing you can see driving at 120km’s an hour is a little pink ass. Or maybe people are now so paranoid about paedophiles they think they’re stalking the sides of our motorways with cameras, waiting for a child to stop for a loo break?

I don’t know what’s going on but I have to wonder where we go from here. Maybe the next step is to have a loo built into your car or have a portaloo fixed on to a trailer so it can be brought anywhere.

But the strange thing about what I saw yesterday is that I couldn’t actually see any kids in the car.

Dirty fuckers!

Has anyone looked at the show Nip/Tuck lately? For fuck sake! If you mixed the Playboy Mansion, Jack the Ripper and a bit of Marlyn Manson together, you would begin to get an idea of what it’s like. I used to watch it when it appeared first on TnaG a couple of years ago. I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck were you watching TnaG for? But that question is for another day.

Now, I don’t mind admitting that when Nip/Tuck first appeared on our screens, I was a fan. In the beginning, it was mainly just a show about the lives of two plastic surgeons. But fast forward a couple of seasons. Suddenly we’re talking absolutely crazy shit. The freaky son of one the surgeons finds out he’s really the son of the other surgeon. He then finds himself a much older girlfriend, who actually used to be a man(ha ha) and,of course, she’s mad as a brush too. Meanwhile, there is a dickless (seriously) dude going around cutting up everyone, his sister joins him on his grizzly task(as you do)!! The last straw came in the form of JR Ewing, he appeared on the show with his much younger girlfriend in tow! My innocent mind could no longer take it, the end of my Nip/Tuck days had come.

Then, the other night I was flicking through the vast amount of useless channels that is Sky digital, when I felt myself drawn towards TG4 (Shit I just realised that’s what it’s called now). Nip/Tuck just happened to be on and I felt compelled to watch it for old times sake.

I was quite amused to see it has gotten even worse, what a freak show, its absolutely mad! The leading lady is now a lesbian and her girlfriend is poisoning her. The freaky son went off and shagged his sister (he didn’t know that she was his sister, ha, what a dopey fucker) . Meanwhile, the two main characters are carving up people like they’re roast beef dinners on a Sunday. And then shagging the left overs. I’m sure that there is a lot more crazy assed stuff going on too. But I could only stick watching it for five minutes before I had to change the channel, for my own sanity of course.

Maybe I being a little bit harsh on the show, nah probably not harsh enough. In saying this I now feel it my duty to struggle painfully through next weeks’ show. Just so I can report back what weirdo, sadistic and incestuous things are happening in the world that is Nip /Tuck.*

*Please do not hold me to this as I think I might have a very important job on that night. Probably cleaning the toilet! I’ll see the same amount of shit either way.