If the nearest school to me was an Irish speaking school, or I felt extremely passionate about our native language, I would definitely send my kids to a Gael Scoil. But the current bullshit that seems to be gripping the nation lately, which involves people spouting on about Gael Scoils, is seriously pissing me off. I’ve heard some people say that their pre-schoolers love the Irish language (speaking it fluently if you believed the crap they talk) and how only a Gael Scoil will be good enough for their little precious little darlings.

These same people are calling their beloveds’ Fionn, Fiachra, Caoimhe and when their own names are Ann and Barry. And yet, the more traditional Irish names such as Maire, Aine and Padraig being ignored. Of course, these names just wouldn’t be trendy enough for the snobby parents to be calling out across Brown Thomas or whatever other expensive knob-market they happen to be in.

Do you realise the eventual outcome of this phenomenon? In a couple of years we will be surrounded by a load of little snobs, speaking Irish in a D4 accent, which is fucking bad enough listening to in English. But after giving this problem greater thought, I realised that the parents will probably have embraced the next new craze by then. I wonder what it will involve? Maybe speaking French while somersaulting three times in the air bouncing on their 50 foot trampoline, or singing Spanish songs while standing on one leg on their pony. But the most likely new fad will probably be speaking shite out of their arses just like Mummy and Daddy. In a D4 accent, of course.

Has anyone looked at the show Nip/Tuck lately? For fuck sake! If you mixed the Playboy Mansion, Jack the Ripper and a bit of Marlyn Manson together, you would begin to get an idea of what it’s like. I used to watch it when it appeared first on TnaG a couple of years ago. I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck were you watching TnaG for? But that question is for another day.

Now, I don’t mind admitting that when Nip/Tuck first appeared on our screens, I was a fan. In the beginning, it was mainly just a show about the lives of two plastic surgeons. But fast forward a couple of seasons. Suddenly we’re talking absolutely crazy shit. The freaky son of one the surgeons finds out he’s really the son of the other surgeon. He then finds himself a much older girlfriend, who actually used to be a man(ha ha) and,of course, she’s mad as a brush too. Meanwhile, there is a dickless (seriously) dude going around cutting up everyone, his sister joins him on his grizzly task(as you do)!! The last straw came in the form of JR Ewing, he appeared on the show with his much younger girlfriend in tow! My innocent mind could no longer take it, the end of my Nip/Tuck days had come.

Then, the other night I was flicking through the vast amount of useless channels that is Sky digital, when I felt myself drawn towards TG4 (Shit I just realised that’s what it’s called now). Nip/Tuck just happened to be on and I felt compelled to watch it for old times sake.

I was quite amused to see it has gotten even worse, what a freak show, its absolutely mad! The leading lady is now a lesbian and her girlfriend is poisoning her. The freaky son went off and shagged his sister (he didn’t know that she was his sister, ha, what a dopey fucker) . Meanwhile, the two main characters are carving up people like they’re roast beef dinners on a Sunday. And then shagging the left overs. I’m sure that there is a lot more crazy assed stuff going on too. But I could only stick watching it for five minutes before I had to change the channel, for my own sanity of course.

Maybe I being a little bit harsh on the show, nah probably not harsh enough. In saying this I now feel it my duty to struggle painfully through next weeks’ show. Just so I can report back what weirdo, sadistic and incestuous things are happening in the world that is Nip /Tuck.*

*Please do not hold me to this as I think I might have a very important job on that night. Probably cleaning the toilet! I’ll see the same amount of shit either way.

My son’s birthday is coming up soon and he’s hinted to me that he’s looking for a trampoline. Fair enough you might say, get him a trampoline. I had no problem with this suggestion until yesterday evening, when I saw him bouncing madly on our bed whilst listening to Queen’s Greatest Hits…  in the dark… with a disco ball throwing coloured dots all over the room. A thought occurred to me, why should I spend a fortune on a trampoline when jumping on the bed is obviously more fun?

So to help me make a decision, I came up with a list of reasons why a bed beats a trampoline:

No 1: The bed is (usually) situated inside the house, so straight away it has an advantage over the trampoline since it tends to piss rain here most of the year. I’ve seen so many sad, water logged and rusty trampolines sitting in back gardens all over the place its just mean.  While all the kids on the street are bouncing into wet puddles on their trampolines my kid will be nice and warm whilst bouncing, indoors.

No 2: I won’t feel guilty about not forking out for a net to stop him from falling off. A few pillows on the floor should do the trick, but if he does fall off and misses the pillows he won’t be falling very far so, hopefully, he’ll be fine.

No 3:  If the weather, for some freaky reason, happens to be good I always have the option of bringing the bed outside. Well, the mattress at least.

No 4: A disco ball doesn’t have quite the same effect outside.

Having our bed as a trampoline brings it’s own share of problems though. The neighbours have started giving us strange looks as our bed is creaking at all times of the day and night (wink wink),  one of the legs has gone a bit wonky and the springs are sticking into my arse.

So I’ve decided that the next time he asks for a trampoline, I’ll tell him, “No. I’m getting you a goldfish, you may keep bouncing on the bed”.

After all, if it wasn’t for bouncing on that bed, he wouldn’t even be here!

Well hello everyone! Though that might be a wee bit presumptuous of me considering if even one person reads this I’ll be surprised. But God I have to admit that I’m absolutely wrecked, I haven’t left the house in the last couple of weeks perfecting this blog, it’s taken a lot of effort on my behalf, NOT! It’s all thanks to the other half. There is an amusing, well not so amusing for me, story behind how I came to start this blog. If you have been reading the other half’s blog you will know that he wrote a soppy apology to me on Valentine’s day (because he was being an asshole) in which he referred to me as Mrs Shitetalker. It was a nice gesture from him, I suppose, in his own special way but the point is we’re not actually married. Shock, horror, living in sin!

So anyway later on that night after a nice romantic meal, we were sipping glasses of wine in front of the fire and he turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said, “How would you like to officially become Mrs Shitetalker?” I beamed and started to think venues, dresses, bridesmaids, oh I’d better ring my ma…

“I can set it up for you now, it can be linked to my own blog, blah, blah, blah…”, he says!

So I have accepted his proposal as I realise this is about as good as it gets. But honestly, what a prick!